explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"