Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
