people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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