I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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