I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
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I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
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Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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