I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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