I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
MIDGETS
????
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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