When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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