I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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