between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
