had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
