My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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