Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
