I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
