You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He's on the porch naked. Help.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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