he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
as a side note pls kill me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
