she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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