Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
