I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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