I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
