I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
