I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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