Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
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I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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