God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
