even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
