You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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