the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
porn star boner night. come get it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
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