At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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