I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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