i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
