how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
