Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
