apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
