his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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