I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
