I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
