Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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