Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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