this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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