I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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