I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
