I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
