Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize