my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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