I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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