I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
