new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
