soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
