Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Drake has all the answers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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