I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
