singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
