my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
