Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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