I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
