the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
