It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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