i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
