atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just high enough for therapy.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
