I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
